Bonnie D. Stroir -- Reflecting On 8 Years Of Roller Derby

LiveLoveDerby!!!

2011-11-04T15:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I've reached my goal of spending 1 year telling stories from my derby time between 2003-2011.

I hope you've enjoyed the journey. But now it's time for me to move on to focus on other projects:

~Coaching Tour

~ a new blog: http://bonniedstroir.blogspot.com/

~A Set of... wait for it... Instructional DVDs!

~LiveLoveDerby Coach Coaching Seminars (click here)

~ A New Story-Telling Youtube Channel (click here)
~ And other people's stories, here: http://vimeo.com/channels/260532

Yeah, I like to keep busy.

Drawing by: Heatherface Perry

Please, continue to share and enjoy the posts this blog has to offer!
Please, continue to share and enjoy the posts this blog has to offer!

Please, continue to share and enjoy the posts this blog has to offer!

It's my intention that it exists as a living library, not only of my story, but the stories of everyone who posts comments and starts dialogues based on the content.

If you want to keep up on the latest LiveLoveDerby goings-on, my website is: http://www.bonniedstroir.com

Also on Facebook and Twitter. <3

I want to thank everyone, from all over the world, who's been taking the time to read these stories and send me all kinds of love and support.

You're crazy-amazing-rad and I appreciate you like you would never believe!

All my love to you on your journey! Introduce yourself, if you see me in a town near you sometime soon...

Have a magnificently-dream-fulfilling-magical-living-life-to-the-fullest rad day today, and every day!

Here's my final parting gifts, with lots and lots of love:

Roller Derby Sociology: Part 9: Conflict Resolution (Final)

2011-11-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

Friendly reminder: I only know what I know from years of both triumph and...


I did consider how inappropriate this was before posting it... but just couldn't help myself.

I certainly don't have it all figured out.

But who does, really?

That said, here's my final advice on Conflict Resolution...

Assuming that you've done all the pre-requisite reading of the previous 8 posts?

(Listed in the left column, if you want to now.)

I list things in steps, for ease of reading.

But I'm not always this organized in my process, and am not necessarily saying it needs to be so structured. Though having steps sometimes helps.

1) Go Through The Processing/Reflecting Phase First

First you need a chance to go through the anger thing. Then put yourself in someone else's shoes, enough to at least accept the possibility that:

A) You could be wrong

B) You could be missing some information

Sometimes when a rumor/conflict seems totally incredulous-rediculous-insane... it's because it isn't entirely true. And you could be missing a key part of the story.

But... you won't know that unless you give your (seeming) opposition a chance to give their side of the story.

2) Grow A Spine?

I've read in dream books that if you're being chased by a scary monster, and keep running, it keeps chasing you. But if you stop running and face your demons...

They lose all their power.

I've tried the dream thing- totally works!

Your social problems are the same. Running away only makes them chase you.

Trust me, I know how uncomfortable confrontation can be! I should have a PhD in powering through uncomfortable situations, at this point...

But you know what?

Because once it's over, it's always SUCH A RELIEF that I encourage you to push past the discomfort to see what good communication feels like, on the other side of it.

3) Set Up A Meeting

This might seem laughable to you, if you've been embroiled in a heated debate that's already gotten nasty...

You might be afraid that the person would never-ever-in-a-million-years agree to that.

But I'll let you in on a human weakness nearly all of us have: It's almost impossible to resist free food.

So email the person (so they get a chance to weigh out the option) or ask, after practice if you can:

~Buy them lunch

~Buy them dinner

~Buy them coffee

~Buy them a drink

Whatever fits that person's personality best.

Think about it this way: Conflict Resolution might cost you... up to 30 bucks...
But wouldn't you pay someone else $30 to make the problem go away?

Even if someone can't stand the sight of you, most of us are powerless to opportunity of free food. And it proves your willingness to work things out.

I teach this in one of my seminars, and wouldn't you know it... a skater used it on me recently!

I was like... Damn... you got me with my own tricks! But you know what?
I liked her better by the end of lunch. Food can be magical that way.

4) Lay It On The Line

I like the vulnerability/honesty of statement/questions like:

When _____________ happens, I feel like _________________. Did I do something to piss you off?

~or~

I don't need to be your friend, if you don't want that. But... Does it always have to be weird between us?

Something like that.

Alpha Women can typically smell bullshit 10,000 miles away, so I don't recommend going over the top or starting w/ qualifying statements you don't really feel, like: You know I love you, but...

If it isn't true, don't say it.

You don't have to love, or even like each other, to come to an understanding and be respectful of each others differing viewpoints.

But it does help to be sincere in your good will.

When somebody is disrespectful, I know well that it goes against every human instinct of self-protection to reach out to them anyways.

But that's why, I believe, it can be so powerful and awesome to make the effort (and work things out) anyways.

Some of my best friends are people I initially had friction with.

It's true.

And there are a handful of people that, no matter how reasonable I tried to be, they wouldn't meet me half way. And that's their loss, because I'm an awesome friend to have.

But that's a handful out of thousands!!! So, for me, it's always worth the effort.

I hope this series helps you with your derby relations.

Try to consider our bigger picture in history. Yes, we're having a good time with roller derby.

But we're also creating a new chapter of Women's History.

There's never been such a world wide network of female owned and operated businesses like this...
Let alone involving contact sports!

So, next time you're in the middle of some petty debate (trust me, 8 years later, each power struggle feels like a total waste of passion)....

Consider your position in history. It's a pretty rad one!

Why cheapen that?

Have a spectacularly-history-alteringly-significantly-abundantly-considerately-totally rad day!

Parting gifts:

Roller Derby Sociology: Part 8

2011-11-03T06:09:00.000-07:00

Somewhere in one of the gazillions of self-help books I read (back in the day), was the concept of:

Address the Situation, and not the Person.

Elvis likes it.

On the one hand, it's kind of silly, right??

How can you not address the person... you kinda have to, in order to work things out!

But on the other hand, I love the idea that it's a situation that two parties are going through.

It leaves room for both parties come out the other side of it, together. Rather than one party fighting to somehow change the other.

There's a difference between Addressing A Situation the other person is aware of, and Addressing A Situation they are not.

Aware: two parties are actively in conflict

Unaware: one party is irritated/agitated/threatened by another, who is apparently not aware of their behavior.

Fun Fact: The majority of people who are acting with jerk-like behavior are not aware of it.

I'll give you an example of times I was unaware of my jerk-like behavior, and how two different people handled communicating that to me.

I've always had high standards, but when I was a younger coach, I was a little too iron-fisty about it.

One skater came up to me after a practice and said:

Hey, I get the whole tough love thing you're doing. But sometimes, you forget the love.

This skater hardly knew me at the time, but we remain very close friends to this day.

Yes, I was hurt by what she said. But I wasn't mad at her. I was mad at me.

She let me know in a way that was not threatening that I needed to reflect on my behavior.

And that, despite it, the door was open for us to be friends.

And I couldn't respect her more for that.

There was another skater who handled letting me know in... one of the most disrespectful ways possible:

She posted an open letter to me on the league message board, reaming me for... whatever she was mad about.

There were false accusations, and an obvious incitement, inviting others to share their feelings about.... whatever it was about.

It obviously wasn't a very memorable topic. But I do remember exactly how I felt.

Yeah, this pretty much sums it up.

When you've been completely disrespected, how can you react any other way?

I did decide to choose the high road, though.

How?

Well, I had to take some time to process her attack, as I saw it.

Then I had to Address The Situation.

Because we were both now very much aware of the Conflict between us.

I set up a meeting with her, and tried to work it out, but all I could really do was cry.

I'll never forget her reaction. Baffled, she said:

You know, I really didn't expect this. I thought you were going to fight.

I had to explain to her, I don't get off on fighting. I prefer to get along.

Now all I could be was hurt, my genuine feeling.

I think she saw me differently after that, because we've been good friends without a fight between us since.

But, if I had come out fighting... instead of allowing myself to be genuine and vulnerable....

I'll break down some practical tools/steps to conflict resolution, but before I do... I would ask you to consider the contrast between these two approaches.

The difference between Confronting a Person and Addressing a Situation...

And have a shiny-happy-feel-good-terrific-RAD day!

Parting gifts!

Roller Derby Sociology: Part 7

2011-11-02T13:28:00.000-07:00

Skipping all the pleasantries and getting right to the advice on The Process Of Conflict Resolution.

Oh yeah, it's a process.

The first part of the process is Addressing Yourself. The second part, in the next blog, will be Addressing The Situation.

Addressing Your Self Advice:

1) Acknowledge Your Feelings

Every living being gets pissed off. Even plants!

And that's ok.

Staying pissed off all the time is unhealthy.

But, if you try to ignore your feelings, it you try to "just let it go," it never really does go away does it?

I don't get pissed off about things that don't matter to me. So when I'm mad, I let myself be mad. But I put a time limit on it. Depending on how mad I am.

Like, if it's something small, I can be mad for an hour. If it's big, maybe a day. That's just pure madness time.

Just to let myself feel what I have to feel.

2) Cool The Fuck Down

If I immediately addressed every time something pissed me off, with no working to take the edge off it first...

Well, I'd be 22 all over again.

Something needs to be done, once the anger's allowed to surface, to clear it out of your system.

There's lots of ways to take the edge off, productively:

~Go for a run, skate, bike or swim

~Dump it all out on a piece of paper

~Take a shower

~Clean the house

~Dance to ridiculously loud music

You might notice I did not suggest "Call a friend," or "Go out for a drink."

For many, this might be the first thing thing they would do. For me, that usually proved to be unwise...

I'll leave it to you to draw your own conclusions on that one, though.

3) Reflect, Reflect, Reflect

Think about your desired outcome:

Is it to hurt the person you're mad at?

Is it to keep the anger mill going forever?

Is it to upset everyone else around you?

Or do you just want everything to be cooled down and normalized again?

In order to achieve "cool again" it helps to recognize the more vulnerable reasons why you're upset.

For example:

I used to take it personally when skaters would ask me a million questions about every new decision at league meetings.

And by personally: I mean I would get furious.

So I had to cool off and ask myself:

Why do I get so defensive when people ask questions??

While I was furious, I couldn't really address it.

But when I cooled off, and got to a more vulnerable place I realized: I think they're saying I'm a bad leader who makes bad decisions.

The truth was: nobody was saying that.

They're just intelligent women. And smart people ask questions.

Sometimes, when you get pissed off, the problem is not really the other person. It's an insecurity you have that needs to come out and be dealt with.

So reflection, before action or debate, is what I recommend.

What I don't recommend is arguing yourself into a fit of tears at league meeting. Not that I ever did that...

Oh, wait... yeah... I totally did do that once.

OK, twice.

So... that's a lot to take in, I know. I've had years to reflect on this and I'm not trying to dump it all into one blog post.

But the first step of every journey is looking inward, in my opinion.

Especially when it involves other Alpha Women!

Have a well-balanced-inwardly-and-outwardly-totally-kick-ass-crazy-radder-than-RAD day!

Here's my parting gifts to you!

Roller Derby Sociology: Part 6 (Conflict Resolution Part A)

2011-11-01T08:19:00.000-07:00

Referring back to the polls I've been taking over the years...

There's an interesting contrast between today's roller derby, and the one I started with years ago.

Back then it was mostly aging punk rockers and 30-something-years-olds who liked to party.

Now, there's a much broader spectrum of personalities and backgrounds then there ever was before.

And in my experience, people's different backgrounds can lead to different assumptions.

For example, it's easy for entire leagues to intellectually agree that this is sport, and empowering female athletes.

But the assumption that's made is that everyone knows/agrees what that really means.

It means something totally different to the 22 year-old-club-kid, than it does to the 30 year old-marathon-runner-who-was-a-collegiate-athlete.

But if these polar two opposites can find a way to be friends...

And when it comes to light that there are different perspectives within the group, conflict often arises when people feel like they have to fight for their perspective.

Assuming, perhaps, that fighting for something would somehow make it more attractive to someone who already disagrees??

And some skaters have yet to differentiate between a perspective they don't like, and a person they don't like.

You don't have to agree with someone to respect them.

And, in my opinion, the foundation of all Conflict Resolution is coming from a place of respect.

Confession: I have a genuine desire to love, respect, and be loved by everybody in roller derby.

But that doesn't mean everyone automatically wants to love me back...

Or immediately deserves that...

Especially if I have a different perspective, and they don't know how to respect that without needing to agree on every subject.

And there's been times I've just been totally out of line, but not necessarily aware of it until I'm in the middle of a conflict.

Which could have been avoided altogether if the person had just put a little more thought into the delivery of their message.

It never needed to get ugly.

I don't want to tell you that it's possible to make everyone your friend, or make everyone love you.

I've got a handful of people I wasn't able to reach.

Not for lack of effort, on my part.

Can I tell you something crazy, though?

After all my years running SDDD, and being involved in the sport for 8 years now... there's still only a handful of people that I've completely written off.

Out of thousands of interactions and arguments. Only a handful of helpless cases.

ALL the rest were just misunderstandings that, with a little effort on my part, could all be resolved eventually. Even many that looked hopeless at the time.

I'll share what has and hasn't worked for me in the next post.

In the mean time, I encourage you to share your stories about turning a boo into a yay!

And have a fanfuckingtastically-magically-happy-totally RAD day today!

Parting gifts, till next time!

Roller Derby Sociology: Part 5 (Communication On Internets)

2011-10-28T09:29:00.000-07:00

I know I'm treading in scary waters right now.
In a sport full of women that don't like authority... here I am giving advice!

Clearly, I'm totally cuckoo. With good reason, though.

When I travel to coach leagues, interpersonal relations are often the type of stuff people really need the most help with. Sometimes they're aware of it. Sometimes they're not.

I love coaching roller derby strategy and technique. But if a league is imploding from the inside out over personal conflicts...

All the strategy in the world's not gonna fix that.

I'm actually at a point where I can watch a team play and usually be able to tell right away if they really like each other or not.

Your interpersonal relations will inevitably effect every other aspect of your team dynamics.

And don't get me wrong, you can get to a pretty competitive level on talent and hard work alone. But without chemistry, can you stay there? Can you really reach your team's full potential?

Would you even want to anymore?

So Communication is pretty epically-imperatively-goddamn important. And when that's failed, it's Conflict Resolution time.

In this Blog I'll talk a little more about Expression, and the next one I'll get to Conflict Resolution.

I'm not ready to leave the topic of Expression behind yet, because last post was mainly about In-Person Communication. Which is important.

But so much of roller derby communication happens Online!

And somehow careless things said in internet world have the power to destroy all kinds of good things happening in... the real world...

And for the two to be mutually beneficial and co-operative, online communication needs to be addressed.

Online Expression Advice:

1) Passion Posting

If you're pounding your keys loudly, re-reading and re-editing it to say exactly the right thing, if your blood is boiling...

That's not an email you can send and feel good about later.

Is it possible to be livid and reasonable at the same time? I would submit, for your consideration... No, it's not.

But it IS totally possible to ruin relationships with people in your league, alienate yourself and others, and cause all kinds of regrettable debate over one careless email.

So.... a No Passion Posting policy could serve you well. Make frequent use of your "DRAFT" button, in these cases.

(I'm a little embarrassed at how long it took me to figure this out.)

2) Group vs Individual Communication

I've seen a lot of people hide behind the anonymity of the group to get the attention of an individual.

But is it positive or negative attention that you want?

When you post a question/suggestion/thinly-veiled-passive-aggressive-complaint for one person to a whole group... or Facebook... the one may likely resent the fact that you did not have the spine to contact them directly.

Or feel that you tried to humiliate them, publicly.

Being heard, and communicating, are two different things.

When you communicate, everyone has a chance to win. When you're simply "heard," you can be kind of an exhausting person to deal with.

This also happens when you have a positive response for one person, but always make the whole group have to see it. We all get a lot of our own emails, who wants to have to read someone else's too?

Try to recognize if what you have to say is for an individual, or really for a group, and communicate accordingly.

3) Facebook, Twitter, and Blogs vs... A Diary

Some of your most intimate, passionate feelings... will pass and change tomorrow. But things that are put in print can leave an impression for a lifetime, if you're not careful.

Consider dumping your more explosive feelings in an actual Journal or Diary before going straight to telling every person you know how you feel.

Because you may have a more mature response 3 days from now than you do in the heat of the moment, where we're often taking no one else's feelings into consideration.

I would probably come off as the crabbiest bitch in the world if I didn't make a regular process of dumping negative/explosive/overwhelming feelings on paper, instead of people.

I'm not saying it's wrong to use social media as a form of self expression. I'm obviously doing it right now! Just consider your level of passion at the time of writing.

That's enough words for today. I know you're a busy person. : D

Have a cooled-out-well-considered-expertly-communicated-inspiring awesome rad day today!

Parting gifts, till next we meet!

Roller Derby Sociology: Part 4 (Communication In Derby 101)

2011-10-26T11:26:00.000-07:00

I'd like to start by giving a fun I'm-only-human disclaimer:

When I first started in roller derby I was a young fire-cracker with no passion-management or self-control, whatsoever.

So I steam-rolled my way into some pretty harsh social situations, and learned a lot by communicating in every worst way possible.

But... I did deeply reflect on and learn from these encounters.

Each time.

And by reflect, I mean I cried a lot.

Still do sometimes. Nobody's perfect.

Over time I've made every attempt to learn lessons-to-come the easy way instead:

Partly from considering the future potentialities of my planned actions, and partly from other people's mistakes and triumphs.

Every sports' (and non sports') success story (and epic fail) has been documented one way or another, and I've been gathering these stories through books, articles, and documentaries over the years.

So many lessons learned, I'm not even sure which source a lot of them came from at this point, except for the ones I've personally experienced.

So I'm gonna go ahead and share some of that with you, in hopes that you can glean some of what could easily be learned the hard way.... but... easily feels much better!

This blog post will be about Expression, and the next about Conflict Resolution. Most communication breakdowns seem to unravel from these two sources.

Expression Advice:

1) Consider Your Audience

Most people in roller derby do not like to be told what to do. So, try to avoid using demanding qualifying statements like "You should," or "We have to."

I'm still working on this, being as bossy as I am.

But I'm not trying to change who I am, as much as develop the greater aspects of leadership and diminish the lower potential that comes with this trait.

2) Consider Your Timing

One example:

When your Head of PR is lacing up her skates, she's not likely to be as interested in talking about your latest and greatest idea as you are, just because she's there and accessible.

She's probably more into the idea of just being a skater for a couple hours.

Set up meetings with people when you want to talk about stuff that isn't immediately fun or related to what's happening right-now-this-minute, even if that's when you're excited.

If the timing isn't right for both people, then it's not right to communicate.

If you're unsure if the timing is right, ask. "Is this a good time to talk to you about _______?" And if it isn't, don't push it. Just try again at a better time.

3) Consider Your Impact

Passionate people often just blurt out whatever they're feeling because they feel it.

But... other people can feel you too. People you train with can often be very intuitively connected to you, whether you're aware of it or not.

For example, if you're always saying something mean about yourself, I feel sorry for you.

I don't want to feel sorry for you, though! I want to feel good around my friends.

In fact, over time I may resent you for making me feel bad for you. I might even avoid you because you don't think about how what you say makes me feel. And that's kind of selfish.

Consider how it feels to be on the other end of what you have to say. About you, or someone else. Does it feel good or bad?

We can work on this together.

4) Consider Your Motivations

Do you have a reason for what you want to say to someone? Is it a positive reason? Or do you want to talk just to talk AT someone?

Because a discussion can be fun and interesting.

But listening to someone go on and on (without including anyone else in their one-person-conversation), or say a lot of negative things can be really exhausting.

And it's really hard to get heard, when you do have something to say, if you have a history of being exhausting to be around.

But, on the other side... if you are a considerate person in conversation... and know how to listen as well as share; you're interesting and feel good to be around.

And then what you have to say is easier to hear. It's something I think about a lot.

5) Consider Your Potential

I'm finding that quantifying statements can be alienating to others, or limiting to personal potential.

For example, "I hate it when people _____________." Or "I always________________."

Can sometimes close doors to communication with other people by unwittingly putting a wedge between you with statements like that.

Your potential could be to be the kind of person who gets along with all kinds of people. Even people you have nothing in common with.

But... you might not get to find out if the door is shut to some early on. Honesty is totally great, but sometimes less words is more... inclusive. (Note to self!)

OK, enough with the words, already! I hope some of this is helpful to you.

Whether it is or not, have a tremendously-credibly-considerately-consistantly-amazing rad day today!

Parting Gifts:

Roller Derby Sociology: Part 3 (Sociology Interrupted?)

2011-10-15T14:22:00.000-07:00

So, if a large percentage of women socialized mainly with men before roller derby

And just as large a percentage were split between have a mixed social group and almost no one at all

And the smallest percentage is women who socialized mainly with women before roller derby...

It's almost safe to say that a lot of women in roller derby don't...actually...know...

How to communicate in a common language with other women!

And those that did before are probably a little confused on how to communicate with women who are so charged with masculine energy. (People like me!)

Having a job that allows me to visit leagues in their home territory this year; I've learned a lot about how people communicate.

And I'm telling you, if there's one thing I've learned...

It's that most leagues have the same exact problems. And 90% of them would be preventable, if skaters just knew how to communicate with each other better.

Nearly every league (initially) has huge upheavals over:

~Enforcing an attendance policy

~Choosing a Travel Team

~Where's all the money going?

~Are we "athletes" or is this "just for fun"?

~The Board or The President is keeping secrets from every body and drunk with power!

~80% of the league work is being done by 20% of the skaters and those 20% are exhausted

Every league goes through similar growing pains, it seems.

Some leagues split before they get a chance to grow, and then one year later...
Go through exactly the same problems!

So... here's where I get a little conflicted, being in the position of advice-giver-person.

Yes, I do know how to prevent a lot of this now, having been through it myself and observed so much of these things in so many other leagues... But...

Does anyone really want to hear it?

I remember being lectured as a teen-ager, being told
You should learn from my mistakes!

You know how young Bonnie answered that?
I don't want to learn from your mistakes, I want to make my own!!!

True story.

So you see... I feel like I'm in a weird place and not sure how much I can, or should, try to prevent leagues from making their own mistakes.

Even though I (now) wish someone had helped me when I was a (much bigger) communication disaster!

It's something I'll have to reflect on before I write again...

Feel free to share your thoughts, and have a kick-ass-crazy-smartly-executed-eloquently-communicated-spectacular RAD day!

Parting gifts!

Roller Derby Sociology: Part 2 (Pre-Existing Conditions)

2011-10-14T16:19:00.000-07:00

An interesting pattern I've observed in my polling is that a large number of skaters socialized more so with men, and less so with other women, before they came to roller derby.

I'm no exception.

I remember the first time is was brought to my attention that I wasn't a "boy," but a "girl" and that was supposed to be somehow different.

I was 6 years old and running around playing "pirates" with the other kids, wearing just cut off jeans.

No other clothes or shoes, because we were pirates!

A neighbor lady called me over to her, where she proceeded to throw me into a young identity crisis.

She chided me for running around with no shirt on, and when I looked confused, she really dug into me with, "What if I ran around with no shirt on??"

I took one look at her well endowed shirt and shrieked, running to my mother.

Who gently said to me, as if she were trying to break the news, that I was "sort of a tomboy."

I'm not saying I didn't have any friends who were girls, but there was a pretty obvious preference for friends who were boys.

And this continued even through jr. high school, when hormones kicked in and boys got weird.

Yes, I'm afraid it did.

And as an "adult" I had a mix of male and female friends, but was back to trying (somewhat unsuccessfully) to be "one of the guys" again.

And then there was roller derby.

Where, as mentioned in Part 1, I was clashing personalities with some women... With no understanding at all of why.

I feel very Sarah Silverman, at times...

I think that one reason I had a language barrier, of sorts, with other women is because my guy friends had set me up with a false sense of friend security.

Here's what I mean by that:

When amongst male friends I felt like I had safe friendships, because you can say whatever you want around your guy friends and they don't really seem to be phased by it.

And what I didn't realize until later: oh, it's cuz they didn't really CARE what I said...

Again, I'm not speaking about ALL men, just the ones I have experience with to draw from.

Guy friends, for a while, felt safe because I could be myself and not be judged for it.

At first, roller derby (large collective of alpha women) felt a little dangerous... because I felt judged every two seconds!

But, what I realize now is, oh... that's cuz they really CARE about what I say...

Again, I'm not speaking about ALL women, just the ones I have experience with to draw from.

All these new female friends were very challenging, because they were actually listening to me, and holding me accountable for the things that I would say.

I was totally unprepared for this...

And I have a theory:

Masses of women like me have a masochist in our subconscious that really craves more emotionally driven, challenging relationships... and draws us to roller derby like moths to a flame.

Lured in with the promise of a good time, we jump head first in the LEAST safe social situation that could ever exist.

So we can grow.

I'll have more to say about how this relates to communication, athleticism, and easing the pain of the clashes that result, in the next blogs...

Feel free to share if you do or don't relate to this, and tell me all about it.

Have a super-fantastic-challenging-emotional-wonderful-inspirational RAD day today!

Parting gifts:

Roller Derby Sociology: Part 1 (Introduction)

2011-10-11T05:55:00.000-07:00

As a strategy and technique coach, one of the things I look for when dissecting the game is:

When you find a pattern, commonalities, tendencies... then you can sometimes use that information to form plans and strategies in and around that information.

You can also identify patterns in your own personal life to figure out how to adjust/evolve/grow into or out of its recurring patterns.

For example, being a very honest person was something I always thought was one of my better qualities.

But... that open honesty has gotten me in a lot of trouble!

And that trouble usually came in the form of pissing people off with my unguarded and unfiltered approach to conversation...

But this was confusing, in derby, because I don't remember being somebody that pissed a lot of people off before that...

It took me a long time, and a lot of heartbreak, to finally soften my honest approach; to the point where I can be genuine without being threatening.

Which I still screw up, on occasion.

But how did this happen? How did I get to be 22 years old without angering many people, and after joining roller derby... become an anger magnet??

This is a question that would take more than one blog post to answer, but an interesting pattern I've been studying is the sociology of roller derby's skaters.

Through polls on this blog, facebook, and in person I've been asking skaters questions like:

Who did you hang out with mostly, before roller derby?

Did you play sports before roller derby?

If you did play sports, were the coaches mostly men or women?

What would you guess the answers mostly were??

And then we wonder why we sometimes have conflicting viewpoints... and don't entirely know how to talk to each other!

I'll be addressing this subject in depth in the coming month or so... but for now I invite you to share your answers to those questions.

Whether just to yourself, or in the comments section.

And have yourself an honestly-genuine-totally-understanding-nonthreatening-happy-epic rad day!

Here's my parting gifts to you:

Confessions Of A Flawed Role Model

2011-09-06T20:44:00.000-07:00

I remember being a teen-ager and getting yelled at for something, and my dad bringing a new element into his usual ranting and raving.

I didn't hear most of it, but the last part was: And I don't like your role models!

I was usually afraid of my father, but this time I looked him right in the eye and said:

I don't have any role models.

Sad, but true. Up to that point, there was no one in particular I wanted to emulate.

And I think it contributed a lot to how much of an outsider I felt like all the time. As far as I knew, there was nobody like me in the world.

I think a lot of women my age felt that way in our younger years.

I've done a lot of polling, both online and in person, asking women in roller derby who they mostly hung with before derby.

And it would appear that A LOT of us hung out mostly with guys!

That's a subject I'll be revisiting later, but interesting, isn't it?

Did you notice that, in school, there was "History," a required class. And "Women in History" was just a tinysmall part of it?

Or that women in public positions now-a-days are either wearing pant suits or glitter with their yay-hoos showing?

I get that many women can relate to that. But I, personally, don't.

Not even close.

When Derby Dolls came into my life (2003), and founder Demolcious told us we were going to make this a professional sport, I believed her.

Check out what this pic is from:http://laist.com/2010/05/21/demolicoius_pioneer_woman.php

And it was when I became the founder of LA's sister league that I made the shift from:

I am utterly, selfishly, in love with roller derby

To:

I do this to create good role models for young girls in a society that is lacking

What is a role model, though? I mean, I know what Wikipedia says it means:

The term role model generally means any "person who serves as an example, whose behavior is emulated by others".^[1]

But what does it mean to me? What should it mean?

It's something I think about a lot, lately.

no respectable blog would include this....

I always meant to be part of the big picture, getting the sport on TV. As a sport.

That way young girls who feel like I did can have some women to look at and say, "Oh, they're like me. There's something positive I can look up to."

But you know, they would say it in a cooler, less cheesy way.

And that really motivated me to become the woman that I am today. A better version of myself, and a constant work-in-progress.

But, I don't know that I ever realized anyone would actually to look up to me, personally.

I'm grateful that I can be in a position to inspire, where I can.

But that also feels like a lot of pressure! I mean... sometimes it feels like perfection is what people are looking for.

Allow me to burst that bubble right now.

I'm not bragging, but I'm going to be honest: I've been a closet-smoker since I was 15 years old.

And I'm not glorifying that, by any means.

You're unlikely to find a picture of me smoking, I don't do it front of large crowds and I never smoke in front of children.

But that doesn't mean I'm ashamed of it either. I just choose to keep aspects of my life private. At least, until it's time blog about them.

I only mention it to bring about a point: we're all walking contradictions in one way or another.

And to embrace that is human. Only when you deny it are you a hypocrite.

We've all got our quirks. And honestly-unashamed-humanly-walking-contradictions need role models, too.

So, in my role of facilitating getting more role models in mainstream for more young girls to have access to seeing... I finally know what that means.

It means bringing whole teams of athletes to the forefront: and there's one for everyone out there to relate to, no matter what their quirks are.

You have an honestly-amazingly-perfectly-flawed-wonderful-super-duper RAD day today!

Here's my parting gifts, till next time:

Go With Grace

2011-08-17T12:27:00.000-07:00

In a previous post, I introduced the rough gem/diamond analogy to this blog...

Now I'd like to take it a step further. So come along with me, on a

Roller derby fulfills a lot of needs in women. One of them being: to find out what all we're capable of.

How much can we use our passion to manifest into the world? How much magic can we make, or things can we bring to life from seemingly out of nowhere??

And, in this desire to discover what our potential is, we often take on way too much, and ignore all the signs that say

I can speak to this because I founded/ran a league, worked on every committee, coached, played at the All Star level, and devoted myself to every aspect of SDDD, to an obsessive degree; for way more years than any sane person should....

One of my frustrations as the leader was a constantly recurring theme:

The rising star, business wise: KILLING IT with committee work, only to up and quit half way through a season. Leaving a gaping hole in their place.

And... then there's the rising star, socially: WORKING IT with winning everyone over, getting onto a team. Only to up and quit half way through a season over some stupid argument.

Leaving a gaping hole in their place.

It's not a good way to go. There's no real closure, so a feeling of weirdness becomes pervasive.

This picture is in no way related. It's just awesome, and I wanted you to have it.

And the Rising/Falling Star would occur in no less than 10 people a year, BTW. So if it feels like I'm talking about you, you were not alone.

Being the person who had to pick up the slack in between Rising/Falling Stars was really exhausting, and probably took a couple years off of my skating career. (ie: MY LIFE!)

So I share the following wisdom for those of you who can already feel the urge to throw up your hands and say "Fuck It," creeping into your consciousness:

Don't go out like that. Go with grace.

Here's some suggestions on how to Go With Grace:

*Devise an exit strategy

*Make it known to your league

*Give as many months' notice as you can

*Offer to/start training a replacement for yourself

*Keep all of your bridges in tact on the way out

It's totally not like James Dean, here; with committee work and social rising stars, it's actually MUCH better to fade away than let yourself burn out.

Trust me, I've done both, and fading away (going with Grace) is much more respectful to everyone involved, including yourself.

In closing, the analogy continues:

You come to derby a rough gem, and through your social interactions, are ground into a shiny diamond. As long as it's making you better, keep going.

But when you start to turn into something you don't like, get bitter, or chipped around the edges: it's time to GO WITH GRACE.

If you're just starting out, and in the full on Rising phase, it might be hard to imagine ever needing this advice.

But just remember, everything goes in cycles. How smooth or rough your cycles run, well... That's up to you!

Have a super graceful amazing mindbogglingly RAD day today!

Here's my parting gifts to you, till next time:

Today Is (Sometimes) A Good Day To Die (Metaphorically)

2011-08-09T14:32:00.000-07:00

Skaters often reach out to me in their darkest derby hour, when they're having a hard time seeing the light.

Maybe it's because of the raw honesty in this blog, or just part of being known as a someone who's lasted a long time in the sport.

Or because I look happy in all my pictures?

I'm often asked,

How do you stay so positive all the time??

And the simple answer is: I don't.

I experience the full range of human emotions, like everybody else.

In fact, I have a past that includes many years of depression.

And, being ambitious, I (usually) feel like I'm in way over my head and just doggy paddling to keep my head above surface. With a smile!

: ]

That said, I am a happy person the majority of the time now, and here's one secret to my stamina, if you wanna know it:

I give myself (at least) one day to die. Every week.

My theory is:

In order to keep it together, sometimes I just have to let myself fall apart.

Some issues require a bigger breakdown than others.

But just for week to week maintenance, it pretty much looks like a day of:

~staying in the house

~a bare minimum of speaking to anyone about anything

~pajamas, food, movies, books, writing

~saying "no" to even the most fun sounding offers of things to do

~looking as haggard as I wanna look: getting "dressed" might never happen

We all have insecurities, we all have negative thoughts and emotions. I give myself a day to just let it all out and be a big mess.

And on those days, I have a few tricks for working it all out of my system, so I don't have to carry emotional baggage with me everywhere else I go during my heavily scheduled weeks.

Here's what a couple of them are, if you wanna give it a try:

**I do this with writing, feel free to let it inspire you to do something that fits your lifestyle, if writing is not your thing. Like drawing, painting, singing, dancing, exercise other than derby... everyone has their own method of self expression.**

Dumping:

1) Write "Stuff I'm Getting Rid Of" at the top of a piece of paper.

2) Without any care for proper wording or punctuation, dump out every thought in your head that starts with the words "I'm scared that..." or "I feel shitty about...." No judgment, just dumping it all out.

3) On a fresh sheet of paper write something like "Good things Coming In" or "Things I'm Totally Grateful For" or, "Affirmations" and write about only good feelings, reasons you're awesome, things you have or want to look forward to.

Burn and Release:

1) Write Stuff I'm Getting Rid Of at the top of a piece of paper.

2) Dump it all out.

3) Literally burn the piece(s) of paper (in a safe place, like a metal tin) and say, "I'm releasing all this fear and negativity and replacing it things that are awesome."

4) As you watch all that old stuff and old feelings burn away, visualize all the new feelings and things you wanna bring in.

Just make sure you're being smart about it, if you do the burn and release!

I pretty much save the Burn And Release for the Big problems. Or stuff that feels too private and/or toxic for me to leave in writing anywhere, even my journal.

I try to keep a regular practice of Dumping, though.

Like other kinds of dumping, it can make you feel much lighter!

Like you're not carrying around so much... ok, that's gone far enough.

I guess the whole point of this is to say:

To me, it's better to "embrace the suck" from time to time and let yourself feel it all, so you can fully release it and move on.

That's how I do it.

Whatever way you work it out, have a superfantasticmagicalspecialfunctionalhappyhealthyRAD day!

Here's my parting gifts:

I'm Retired?

2011-07-24T11:19:00.000-07:00

I used to always (inwardly) cringe when skaters would refer to no-longer-playing-roller-derby as "retired."

As mentioned previously, I am someone who considers semantics important.

And the word "retired" seems to imply an age and stature that none of us are old and experienced enough to have reached.

Rest in peace, Ann. <3

Ann Calvelo retired. We just play or don't play.

At least, that's how I used to think.

Plus, there's just such a finality to the word...like you can't change your mind.

But I always change my mind!

I feel that, given new information (or a more inspired point of view) a person should always reserve the right to change their mind...

I guess I kind of knew it was true in Chicago, December 2010 at the Red Bull Banked Jam.

I believe this is Ying O Fire, rocking the Windy City Flag

Red Bull hired me to coach Windy City Rollers on the transition from flat to banked track, before their game against LA Derby Dolls at the UIC Pavilion in Chicago.

You know that feeling you get, when you're watching a bout and going crazy, because you just wanna jump on the track and start playing??

I've always had it so bad!!!

Well, in Chicago, I didn't feel that.

What I felt was something different; I was proud of and happy for the people on the track. I was perfectly content to be watching the game, and cheering on the people I'd been coaching that week...

And I was also happy for roller derby.

To see a great flat track team like Windy City, playing in a banked track game against the league I started with, LA Derby Dolls... It made me swell with pride!

It's taken me 7 months to really figure this out. I've been a little bit in denial. When LA Derby Dolls made me this, and posted it at my last game (December 2010):

Champs was always on my birthday weekend.

Everyone kept wishing me a happy "retirement" and I was like,

Not retired! Just taking a break!!!

Which I may still be, it's hard to say how you're gonna feel in a year, or two, down the line.

I am absolutely still passionate about the sport!!!

But... I pretty much accomplished all my goals as a skater. I mean, all of the personal goals I had for me, I accomplished them!

There's only one goal I have left in roller derby: and that's to see it be a professional sport.

And I really see myself more as a coach than a skater, when that happens.

I enjoy playing/practicing from time to time, but I'm just more passionate about coaching at this point. And doing whatever I can to help further the level of play on a world level.

Seem to have made this unexpected shift from "skater who's hungry to improve every year and coaches sometimes"

to "coach who's proud to help/inspire other people improve" over the last few months...

Completely booked solid for 2011!

But, of course, I totally reserve the right to change my mind... How could I not??

I wanna thank all the leagues who've hosted me this year. I have a great time doing what I do, and while it's definitely not all glamor like some people think it is...

I am more fulfilled/inspired by what I'm doing right now than I've felt since I started SDDD.

So, thanks and love to every one of you who have been a part of that with me!!!

You have a totally inspiredamazingmindblowingkickyourfeetupandshoutabout it RAD day today!

Here's my parting gifts, till next time we meet!

Roller Derby Coach Coaching: FINAL PART 4

2011-07-21T06:50:00.000-07:00

After this one, I'm going back to my regularly scheduled blogging.

This is a lesson I re-learned recently... and that is:

You can't please everyone all the time.

But, at the same time:

I really check to see if can take the negative feedback that I'll sometimes get and really weigh it out before I decide it's not valid.

Sometimes people are just crabby, or bitchy, or whatever....

And sometimes there's a reason for it.

When we were kids, my brother and I both wanted to be stand-up comics.

maybe we both still kinda do...

So I have this tendency to over-exaggerate and over emphasize my points sometimes, for comedic effect.

Bill Hicks: a man ahead of his time.

Recently, while coaching;

I joked that the potential for the team was amazing, considering there wasn't "shit to do around here 9 months out of the year" but to focus on roller derby.

This was found to be super offensive to some. Funny fail, I guess.

I'm all about self reflection. But sometimes people expect a little too much out of their coaches.

Like... I don't know... perfection?

even this snow leopard thinks that's unreasonable.

When you're coaching: do your best.

Take in feedback, weigh it against your own ideas. Be open to new ideas. Be willing to find a gift for yourself at the end of every criticism.

Even if the gift is just the patience to deal with critics, and keep shining on.

One of my favorite responses to new ideas and conflict alike is :

I don't know how I feel about that. I'm gonna think about it and get back to you.

Because, often, I don't. And reflection takes time.

I'm human just like everybody else. My first reaction to any kind of criticism is to be hurt.

Then, once that's out of the way, I can get to work on the gift finding.
Is there some way I can improve my coaching, based on this feedback?

Most of the time, I can.

But sometimes, there's just nothing there to work with but somebody having a bad day and taking it out on you.

One example of a "yes" decision:

Yes, I can definitely see how the word "retarded" can be offensive to large groups, I'll nix that word and just over-use "ridiculous."

One example of a "no" decision:

Sorry, I'm not gonna limit my swearing. Those are some of my favorite descriptive words!

You get the idea.

Any time you put yourself out there in a teaching role, there's going to be people who want to shoot you down.

Especially Alpha Women.

Which may make one wonder why I'm so into coaching, being someone who gets to experience this in a new town every week!

There's no simple answer to this. It's kind of what I spend my whole blog explaining, in a way.

But, I will say this: it's similar to the relationship I have with my crabby cat, Kitten.

She makes me crazy sometimes. (most of the time)

But when she's loving, you feel like a million bucks.

Have a megasuperfuckingamazinggoddamrediculousycrazygoodsonofbitching rad day today!

Here's my parting gifts!

Roller Derby Coach Coaching: PART THREE

2011-06-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

Coach Coaching Disclaimer:

Roller derby's still a new sport. So, while I do have certain "rules" for myself, I also leave room for evolving out of them.

As far as I'm concerned, there's no "always" and no "never" about anything. "Right" and "wrong" are also subject to evolution, over time. Put simply: keep an open mind.

Another part of my philosophy on coaching is this: Assume everyone in the room has ADD.

who's ready for this to make a comeback!

Now, I don't mean to offend anyone with that statement.

Not to get to too politicky on you, but I don't even believe in "ADD" as a "learning disorder."

Because... when an entire generation's got it... Well, I guess that's not a disorder anymore, is it? It's just the way things freakin are!

So... I remind myself, when coaching:

Think about how short your attention span is, and how much blah blah blahing you yourself can handle before it's time to look at shiny things...

And try to keep that in perspective.

In coaching, I feel it's important to keep things moving:

Say a little, do a little. Do something else, elaborate a little more, do something else, switch back to the first thing. Not necessarily in that order, but you get the idea.

Think about the complexity and intensity of the game: offense, defense, and point scoring are all happening at exactly the same time!

So the people that play this sport... well... they're smart! With quick brains that need constant stimulation.

photo blame: Rinkrat

Basically, the sport is complex. So are the players, so should be practice.

That said, breaking it down into bites at a time, building up in complexity as things move along, and ending with something very complex seems to work for me.

Try it, and let me know how that works for you. I'm not giving out any fish today... just telling you how I fish.

Even though though that's a weird analogy for me. Being a vegetarian and all.

Part 4 is coming soon...

Have a megolific supercalifragilistic RAD day today!

My parting gifts to you:

Roller Derby Coach Coaching: PART TWO

2011-06-29T15:26:00.000-07:00

Coach Coaching Disclaimer:

There are just as many different styles of coaching as there are personality types. I'm sharing what works for me, and by no means saying it's the only way.

It's the best way for me, you may be different.

That said, here's my basic philosophy on coaching:

When I put the whistle on, I'm clocking in. I don't need to be anybody's friend or favorite person.

My intention is to impart information efficiently; and the ethic that roller derby (in that moment) is the most important thing in the entire world. We can be friends after practice is over.

About 10 minutes into nearly every training camp I coach, you feel the strange energy shift in the room.

Everyone was so excited a minute ago, now they're on the ground doing planks. Or push-ups. Or squats. Maybe lunges?

And I'm patiently explaining it's not a punishment, it's a gift and you can almost hear everyone thinking collectively;

Hey, I thought she was into magic, sparkles, and kittens... what's happening here?"

In truth, I'd rather not have to give out so many plank, squat, and push-up gifts.

That would be amazing. It would mean that everyone has the mentality of a professional athlete, ready to show the highest respect to their coach through intense discipline and focus on the moment.

But the truth is, not everyone knows how to be a good student, right away.

As coach, that's your job to impart. Can't take all the talking and giggling while you're coaching personally. Just have to redirect everyone and teach them a better way to get the most out of their time.

So teaching that is usually my first lesson.

So the very first rule I have is:

Do not to start talking until everyone else has stopped.

That sounds so simple, but I see coaches in every city just walk into a noisy room and start talking! And then they wonder why a) nobody listens b) nobody respects their authority.

I don't do this because I'm starving for attention, or authority.

In fact, if I were to think about it like people paying attention to me, I'd *probably* freak out and stammer over every word.

When I coach, though, it's not about me. It's about roller derby.

It's a fine, but important distinction.

The reason everyone needs to pipe down is so we, as a group, can focus our group intention on raising our collective potential through the sport of roller derby.

That kind of magic just doesn't happen when there's side conversations and shenanigans going on.

So, as coach, I consider it my first priority to make it clear that I'm there to impart information and an ethic that roller derby, in that moment, is the most important thing in the world.

And we can totally be friends after practice is over!

Part 3 next time....

Have a super mind blowingly focused special magical cuter than a kitten RAD day today!!!

Parting gifts:

For more info on my coaching and background, CLICK HERE.

Roller Derby Coach Coaching: PART ONE

2011-06-28T08:09:00.000-07:00

What I'm about to do here is drop a bunch of my hard earned wisdom, inspirational, and informational resources to help out the coaches of roller derby worldwide.

With a quick disclaimer that
a) I'm still learning every day
b) I've learned as much from making mistakes as I have from inspiration.

But first things first. Here's my background on why I do what I do.

And some boundaries.

The reason I share so much with the derby community is because I believe in roller derby. My logic:

I believe that having roller derby as an athletic outlet for women (and men!) helps us deal with our natural aggression.

And that making it a professional sport would provide much needed/much lacking positive, relate-able, role models for young girls (and boys! though girls I'm much more concerned about) in mainstream media.

And that the spreading of information helps us grow as a sport, raises the bar faster, gets us professional sooner.

So I'm all about sharing!

That said...

To my knowledge, I'm the first FULL TIME roller derby coach.

This was not a sudden decision. I spent years coaching for free. And sharing information with people, and gaining experience.

And surviving all the slings and arrows that came with running a league for too many years in a row and getting to know the ins and outs of every aspect of this sport.

And training my goddamn ass off!

photo credit: Timothy Tolle

So... you could say I've paid a lot of dues to get to this current occupation.

And yeah, I have a lot to give. When I'm hired or inspired to give, I give freely. But... how much is reasonable to take?

Sometimes you just need advice. Or to be pointed in the right direction. Or you have something to offer in exchange for whatever you're asking for.

That is totally cool.

What's not cool is asking me:

I'm running out of ideas for drills, can you give me some?

Can you tell me what books to read to be a better coach? I think I saw them on your blog once, but I'm too lazy to find them. What were they?

Can you send me a list of everything you taught at a training camp I couldn't make it to?

Or woman, as the case may be...

LESSON 1: BOUNDARIES

I will help you but only enough to help yourself.

The rest... well, the rest you have to pay for. A woman's gotta make a living. And when I'm "on the clock" I hold nothing back!

LESSON 2: SELF-RELIANCE

Be your own greatest coach.

Be resourceful.

Learn as much from your own research and inspiration as you get from other sources.

Understand the difference between asking for advice and draining the well.

LESSON 3: INSPIRATION

I'm inspired by things that have nothing to do with roller derby, and find ways to bring it all back. You can be too.

For example, I learned about having a good mental game from this Jay Z video:

Which isn't necessarily screaming: roller derby wisdom!

Unless that's what your focus is on finding in every day stuff. Which I always am.

like... a giraffe?

I figured out how to coach jumping by watching this video over and over again. Which I was doing anyways, because I like it:

LESSON 4: EDUCATION

There is a Sports section of your local book store. It has books in it written by coaches. There are also books specifically about women's sports. There is something to learn from every one of them.

http://tinyurl.com/5v9a7hz

Check out your local video store and get EVERY sports movie with the review "INSPIRING!" on it. Get any documentary on any subject that involves teaching or coaching of any sport!

Ask yourself: how can I relate this to roller derby?

Is there a lesson for me here, as a coach?

I found all kinds of inspiration reading Monica Seles' story. And she played tennis!

Think about the worst coach you've ever observed in pro sports, or had when you were a kid... Analyze them: why did they suck so bad? What mistakes don't need repeating?

5) RESOURCES:

Roller Derby Coaches Yahoo Group

Banked Track 101 Yahoo Group

Blood And Thunder Training Camps

Fast Girl University Training Camps

Gotham Training Camps

San Diego Derby Dolls Training Camps

Rose City Rollers Training Camps

Rocky Mountain Rollergirls Training Camps

Coming in 2012: LiveLoveDerby Training Camps

All Derby Drills Blog

And that should be plenty of words for one blog! (<---- still a weird word to me!)

In Part 2 I'll share my philosophy on the Coaching itself, for coaches.

As for now, you have an amazing-resourceful-self-reliant-inspiring-magical RAD day today!!!

Here are my parting gifts to you!

For more info on my coaching and background, CLICK HERE.

Oh.... So That's What It Tastes Like... Eesh...

2011-06-27T01:00:00.000-07:00

There was a time when SDDD had a very hard time maintaining a consistent team of Stripes.

And that time was called 2007.

Seemed like we could never keep a solid crew of refs for more than a bout and they would disappear! And the ones who stuck around seemed all disgruntled all the time.

I was at a loss with this.

Earlier that year I had met a ref from the east coast, and asked him how he felt about his league. Seemed like I could get a good, objective look at a ref's perspective that way.

I expected to hear a bunch of bitching, but quite the opposite.

He said his league really showed the love, seemed appreciative, gave the refs shirts from time to time, etc...

Hmm... As Boss Lady, I was already doing these things in San Diego... and it was not helping...

The mystery was solved, however (quite abruptly) later that year.

Side Note:

That's how it goes with lessons, isn't it? You either have the foresight to deeply reflect on what's happening right now, predicting how things are going to end up down the line, and do something to effect the outcome while you have a chance...

Or... you just go the old fashioned route....

But I digress... Back to the story of the shocking of my 2007 self...

Because we had a hard time holding down our own Ref crew, LA Derby Dolls Enforcers would come down to help us officiate.

After a bout, I was feeling pretty good, making my way to the locker room when the lesson happened...

This is the lovely and talented Hannah Grenade, as I usually know and see her:

But the Zebra coming towards me, at this moment, was a completely different beast altogether...

She had a wild look in her eyes that was a mixture of the irate and the abused, ready to fight back with every ounce of life...

It's hard to give exact quotes so many years later, but here's how I remember the conversation going down:

Me: Hannah, are you ok?

Hannah: You know, with every game the Refs have to swallow A SPOON FULL OF SHIT, and we NEVER get to win a game, so you might wanna talk to your skaters about how they treat the refs!

Me: (busy processing a very vivid image in my mind about what swallowing an actual spoon full of shit would be like, and not liking it very much)

I don't know if everyone's brain is as visual as mine is...

But this was quite a shocking image to give a person like me, especially so violently...

But I'm grateful that Hannah was as brutally honest with me as she was. It taught me the missing link to having a loyal team of Refs: and that's having a classy team of skaters.

He has many leather-bound books.

So began the motto "Stay Classy, San Diego" in our league. And a heavily encouraged policy to treat the refs well, even (especially) during bouts.

Hannah was right.

And this game would seriously SUCK if no one showed up to officiate it!

It's as sad and empty track.

Whenever you think about losing it on a ref... just imagine what swallowing a spoonful of shit would taste like...

But don't do it right now!

Right now you have yourself a delciously awesome mega super sweet rad day!

Here's my parting gifts!

The Beauty And The Beast of Roller Derby

2011-04-07T13:49:00.000-07:00

I think I was 23 years old before I'd ever heard someone use the word "passionate" as an adjective for something other than romance.

A skater in LA was ranting and raving about something or other, and seemed to catch herself in the middle of it.

She apologized for the drama (uncharacteristic moment of self reflection), and another skater responded,

"You're very passionate." And it kind of blew me away.

"Passionate" quickly became my new favorite word.

And then over the years, one that would also... annoy me often.

It's the beauty *and* the beast of roller derby: passion.

This vital fluid (if you will) that fuels the sport also threatens to destroy it, at times.

I get emails from newer leagues all the time, just embarking on their journey, and already dealing with an imminent league-split.

Did I mention that I hear about this ALL THE TIME?

Here's my theory on why that happens:

Most women are conditioned/obligated to live mundane lives, with little emphasis on passion or authority (outside of motherhood).

And then... roller derby.

Something different, exciting... overwhelming.

Passion and adrenaline enter a vehicle that was (up to this point) built for boredom... and not (yet) a compatible channel for all that vibrant energy.

It can be explosive.

And it can be explosive...

Depending on the level of passion-experience of the woman. For many of us, this is a new experience. We're being allowed to be passionate for the first time.

And a lot of women are finding their voice, and their power, at the same time.

And some get kinda drunk off it.

There's always a weird power struggle.

That's why it sucks sometimes to be the one who put yourself out there as an authority figure in a scene full of women finding their voices.... at you....

I would ask you, dear friend, to reflect on your own position/relationship with passion:

Are you using it responsibly??

Because, in a grass roots effort, with every thing you say and do you are ACTIVELY either doing something to:

A) Build it up
B) Tear it down

A lot of women, just trying to find their voice, don't realize how powerful their every action really is. You are either building or destroying your league every time you interact with someone in it.

Please, choose wisely. Find ways to channel your passion productively and to power ~only~ the build up of your league, and our sport.

So it can be around for a long time.

This is an exciting time for all of us, so think about your passion management as a necessary self improvement. If you don't work it out, you might cheapen your experience of roller derby.

Have a very high-end-experience-of-beautifully-channeled-passion-and-vibrant-energy-rad day today!

Here are my parting gifts!

What Samuel L. Jackson Taught Me About Roller Derby

2011-03-30T19:14:00.000-07:00

For a college drop out, I can be very studious. I like to read. I love to learn.

Just not in a classroom!

So as soon as I realized founding this league actually meant running a business, I started studying successful people.

Not my favorite business by any means, but...

Because if you're gonna pour your heart into something, it might as well be successful. And if there are successful people telling their stories, then there's probably a lot to be learned from them.

And when I found myself in the role of... sports coach... I soothed the panic in my soul by devouring anything I could get my hands on about coaching.

Books, movies, videos, you name it.

I think it was Matt who told me about this one:

So I checked it out and was like.... Damn, Sam Jackson... you have taught me things!

In the movie, Coach Carter takes a losing team and turns them into winners by encouraging them to be better people.

To speak to each other with the highest respect, and to have an ethic that carries them, in and out of the game. This way they would elevate each other to their highest potential as a team.

And as people who can make things happen in society.

I had never thought about things this way before....

But I was thinking about it now! You'll have to see this movie to get what it's about.

Netflix has it here.

I really took it to heart and tried to bring this back to my league; encouraging skaters to refer to each other as "women" instead of "girls."

You could call that being picky with semantics (which I admit, I happen to be.) Or you could think of it as elevating your fellow skaters to their highest potential.

That's one thing I took from it, anyways. Also, this quote from the movie really helped fashion my work ethic at practice:

"When we step on the floor every second that clock is ticking..." — Coach Ken Carter⁸

There are so many more professional athlete and coach biographies that I've read, documentaries watched, and websites referenced that have had profound effects on me as coach....

But this Hollywood movie was the first. And it was about a sport I've never played.

Go figure!

Have a super-awesomely-elevated-to-it's-highest-potential rad day today!!!

My parting gifts:

Not All Dolphins Want To Be Your Friend

2011-03-18T22:57:00.000-07:00

So... I'm a very vivid dreamer. Sometimes my dreams just confuse me, and sometimes they drop crazy wisdom!

I had a dream, once, that I was swimming in a private beach inlet... just having a good old time already, and then a dolphin swam into my area!

I got really excited and swam right towards it, ready for dolphin magic time!

But something wasn't quite right... the dolphin was really rough with me. Swimming so fast and cutting so sharp, it seemed... aggressive.

The dolphin turned into a man with a mustache and got out of the water. I stared at him in disbelief and he said to me, all evil,

Not all dolphins want to be your friend!

And walked away from the beach.

I woke up overwhelmed w/this feeling of bewilderment and betrayal from things turning out so unexpectedly!

This dream came, perhaps not so coincidentally, around the same time as this lesson I learned in 2006.

Sometimes you need a marmoset.

Running the league in SD, coaching on my own. Every now and again, we'd pay my original coach "Buddy," to come down and guest coach.

But those times were few.

And in the mean time, he was setting fire to his bridges w/our sister league in LA.

I'd been defending him from haters for about a year when he left, to start his own league. So he wouldn't be our coach anymore (not that he really ever was in SD). I was still grateful to the dude for teaching me how to skate.

So I still invited him to SD's events.

Whereupon he tried to recruit skaters in *my* league, for his.

Man, the heartbreak and confusion I dealt with over that one...

I thought (naively, perhaps) that as his student, he would be the kind of teacher to want me to succeed. I just wanted him to be proud of me!

But alas, not all dolphins want to be your friend. And, much to my personal dismay, not all good coaches are good people.

If you know me, you know I'm not much of a shit talker. And I don't like to bring people down, either. So here's something cute:

The thing is, the truth is not always pleasant.

And things/people don't always turn out how you expect. The real lesson, though, is to take all that bullshit and turn it into something beautiful.

And this was my time to be the coach that I wish I had.

I let "Buddy" know that I was grateful for what he taught me in my first 2 years. (Still am.)

But he had no more right to recruit skaters that I trained than his original coach would to take credit for coaching me. I never spoke to him again.

The closest to "serving" anyone I get it is to make them live without me. : )

When I coach people, I hope that they DO realize their potential.

And I've learned to be PROUD of people as they come into their own. Not jealous, and definitely not like they owe me anything!

And that's being a version of me that I feel really fucking good about!

So you see, sometimes when you lose, really you win.

As long as you can take the bullshit and find a way to turn it into gold.

I hope you have a super magical happy good day today!

Here's my parting gifts!

Somtimes... You Get Injured

2011-03-10T15:41:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the world of contact sports!

Injuries have always been a part of sports. Physically, we all come to terms with this fact. Even enjoy it a bit.

We learn to wear our bruises and crutches and braces as a symbol of resilience and strength, yes?

photo credit: Windy City Rollers

But... there's an injury that you might not have heard of. It can be uncomfortable to talk about.

You don't get any cool markings or tape to show off from this injury.

Your friends won't high five you for it...

And it's harder to explain when you need time off for it. But left unchecked, it could lead to further injury.... even put you out of your derby career...

I call it being "Mentally Injured."

Sometimes you just can't get your head right.

There's a variety of symptoms to the mental injury:

* Loss of motivation to go to practice

* Hitting a plateau in skill set

* Crabbiness at your team-mates

* Mid-jam panic attacks that you don't know what you're doing

* Misplaced passion in league politics

* Feelings of un-appreciation

* Frequent pity parties

* Excessive bitching

If you suffer 3 or more of these symptoms, you dear friend, may have a DMI. Derby Mental Injury.

Less is known about the DMI than the physical; but make no mistake, it can be a silent epidemic. It's extremely contagious.

And it can take equally long to heal as the very worst of physical injuries, gone untreated.

Don't worry, there's a cure!

The 3 R's:

1) REST!

2) REFLECT!

3) REIGNITE!

When you get stuck in a rut, it's just like being stuck behind a heavily defensive 3 wall.

At first you try to just keep your feet moving, run around it any way you can. Look for a hole to open up, and blast through.

And when that works, it's beautiful!

But sometimes you need to take a step back and really look at what's going on, take a second to catch your breath; and then come at it with a fresher perspective.

But Bonnie, you may be thinking, I don't have all this time to take off! I've gotta make my attendance!

To which I would answer:

Do you?

Not if you've got a DMI. Is another overstimulating practice and/or bout what you really need right now, if you're crabby, unfocused and going cuckoo?

I've missed a bout when I was perfectly healthy physically, just needed some time off for mental injury. Just did it last weekend, actually!

Note the shoes... (photo credit Sir Clicks A Lot! LADD)

As women, we have to be able to evaluate ourselves at times. You don't always need a doctor's note to know what's best for you.

I know that you wouldn't still be reading this if you weren't, essentially, a passionate beast, in your own right.

So... there's a good chance you don't actually know how to tell yourself "no" yet. To which I can only say...

I understand.

Just wish someone had told me about DMI earlier on. So I pass it along, for your consideration.

Have a super healthy happy rad day today!!!

Here are my parting gifts to you!

And you know I'm a sucker for cute befriending cute!!!

I'm So Jealous! < I'm So Happy For You!

2011-03-08T20:47:00.000-08:00

Man, if I had a nickle for every time I heard someone use the phrase... "I'm so jealous," I'd be (at the very least) a freakin thousand-aire! Maybe even a millionaire!

This isn't the first time I've written about jealousy, but let's look at it like an anthropological study...

Right now I'm getting it about my travels and move to becoming a professional roller derby coach.

Last year it was about my losing 20 lbs, year before that it was my jamming, year before that it was... whatever, you get the picture.

And it isn't a pretty one, to be on the other end of jealousy.

My current answer to, "I'm so jealous!" is...

Damn, why can't you just be happy for me?
When you get rad results from your hard work, I'm happy for you!

Hey, it's not like I haven't paid any dues here!

Here's the inherent problem with jealousy: and this is true wisdom about to be dropped, are you ready?

Jealousy only pushes you farther away from whatever it is that you truly want.

I've mentioned to you that I'm a steady believer in the Law Of Attraction.

Put simply, whatever you think about, you bring about. Like attracts like. Dislike attracts... more dislike!

I'm actually one of the contributing writers in this book...

There's plenty of science to back this theory, if you'd like a more logical explanation of the idea:

I remember the first time I read about this topic, in direct regards to jealousy. It was in Dan Millman's book,

He said he was watching a couple young ladies getting out of a fancy car and, had reaction that was negative. A jealous one.

And then he realized,

Wait, if I always think negatively about wealthy people, how am I ever going to attract wealth into my own life?

Since I am traveling so much, I've identified a few themes that are found in nearly every league.

One of them, in particular, is the fancy skater who gets hated on.

He or she is usually the one who came in with prior ice, speed, jam, or figure skating experience. Most of your favorite skaters on high level teams fit this description in their league.

But for some reason people seem to resent the fancy ones closest to them... in their own league...

For your consideration....

If you generate a negative response (jealousy) every time someone does something fancy, or awesome... then how are you ever going to attract fancy and awesome into your own life??

Learn to just be happy for people! And you know what?

If you can look at something that's clearly making someone else happy and learn to be happy for them, then you will get more happy.

It's science!

Look, I've done this myself. So I know it's possible to reprogram the instinct to resent. It just takes work.

If you can't get motivated enough by the idea of being a person who's more fun to have around, then do it for selfish reasons:

Being happy for other people's success will benefit you personally with more success of your own!

If you believe in magic. And I hope you do.

Have a very tremendously-deliciously-successful rad day today!

Here's my parting gifts, till next we meet:

Don't Call Me Oprah

2011-02-03T13:54:00.000-08:00

Today I wanna share with you my recommended reading list!

This first one I was so moved by; I used to actually read chapters of it at practice and post lines from it on our message board:

He's the same guy who wrote another great book, that helped me reconcile my hippie tendencies w/contact sportiness:

Why do some of my favorite books get turned in mediocre movies??

Dan Millman

was an Olympic gymnast before he was a famous writer, so most of his books are of an athletic/mind/body vibe.

Yes, I've read all of them... And one of those things was not like the others...

But it had such a profound impact on me, developmentally, that I'm gonna recommend it to you:

That one's actually more of a reference book than a read-it-straight-through kinda deal.

It's about your numerology, or life numbers. I've read a lot of bullshit numerology books, so I wasn't really expecting to be so shocked by any kind of accuracy.

But Millman brought the goods!

Not only in bringing to light what my (obvious) personal strengths and weaknesses are, but giving insight on what kinds of latent tendencies and potentials were there that I wasn't yet expressing.

Preview

Two more to go!

This one was recommended to me by SD Derby Doll, Shiva Mi Timbers. And I felt so validated by the info it contained!

This is another one that made it's way to being read at team practices.

So much rad! Some parts are boring and sciency, but well worth powering though for the examples that relate to it.

This last one I actually read almost 10 years ago.

It's become such a part of me I hadn't even realized I was talking about it at a seminar in Buffalo, until Queen City skater Stormie Weather brought me a copy as a gift the next day!

Thank you Stormie!

I realize that most people spend more time in the car than on a couch reading...

But the good news is that you should be able to find most of these in audio form, and essentially, get a whole book read within a week of driving to this place and that!

Should you feel so inclined...

So, those are some books that have really helped me develop my game, physically, mentally, and sometimes spiritually.

If you have some you wanna recommend, share away!

It's caring, isn't it? : )

You have a ultra extra special rad day today! Here's a quote I love:

Until next time, here's my parting gifts!

Leadership Among Alphas

2011-02-02T09:08:00.000-08:00

You wanna take a short survey?

Here's the question: What do you do when somebody sneezes in their hand?

A) Nothing, whatever.
B) Offer them a tissue
C) Say "bless you" or "gazunitite"
D) Watch where the hand goes after said sneeze happened, and then judge the shit out of sneezer no matter where that might be

Being in a position of leadership in roller derby is often just like sneezing in your hand.

Maybe there was a better way to do it, but you just didn't know that at the time.

In the mean time, various league members will either:

A) Not really notice because they're more into their own experience of roller derby

B) See that you could use some guidance and offer to help you out

C) Wish you the best, without making any move one way or the other

~or~

D) Watch you closely and judge the shit out of you

I'm not trying to scare anybody away from leadership positions! I happen to know from experience that the vast majority of skaters are more of the A) and C) variety.

But sometimes it's the D)'s that you notice. And it can be disheartening.

The truth is, if you step up to a leadership position in any area of life, you can't be doing it for the appreciation.

Especially in a volunteer organization.

So, if it's not for money, and not for the appreciation... you may be wondering....

I'll share my perspective.

If you think that picture's heart warming, imagine what it feels like to have someone tell you that you've inspired them to make serious change and live a more fulfilling life...

You may only get one of those a year, but many will live a whole life without ever hearing something like that!

And besides the occasional actually-would-think-to-offer-you-a-tissue personality, there's your resume.

And I don't really mean this kind...

I mean more... your internal resume. The one that makes up who you are as a person.

There are those who live with no interest in self evaluation or self improvement.

Those will play the part of "haters" in your life. And that's whatever, it's their path to take if they choose.

The trick is to not let it effect your path. Because for every hater, there's a majority of people just enjoying their experience.

All the while, you get to build your personal resume with all the challenges and rewards that go with putting yourself out there, taking chances and growing your potential, within a group dynamic.

I'll get into specific examples of my experiences later. For now, I will remind you; sneeze in your sleeve!

And leave you with an inspiring quote that pretty much gets me every time:

Have a super totally awesome mega epic rad day today!!!

How bout some parting gifts??

Rolling Up The Shirt Sleeves, Gone Wild!

2011-01-28T14:45:00.000-08:00

I loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove skating. I freakin love it!

So you know I had to pretty much be half crazed when I decided to take a year off of skating to get San Diego Derby Dolls, the business, off the ground.

But, that's what I did.

I did skate in my last bout as an LA Derby Doll (another blog), but besides that...

For most of '06 and the first couple months of '07, any pix of me you'll find I'm either coaching, reffing, or just, you know, gaining 20 lbs, as I ran the business.

During that year, though, I felt like I had just given birth to something special.

And I wanted to make it truly not about me, and nurture this little thing into existence with every ounce of my energy.

Which is exactly what I did. I gave it all my energy. Too much. I was completely unselfish in my motives, but also an unknowing success addict!

Getting high off every time something came together, I would run myself into the ground making sure that everything did.

I was every committee (but PR and Art, we've always had a bangin' Art dept!), and I was every league job, including the only coach.

This was before I decided skirts are not for me.

I was San Diego Derby Dolls. Except for the skating part. You know, the part I loved the most...

OK, but here's why I'm not a martyr about it.

First of all, no one asked me to make that sacrifice. It was a personal choice.

I know I did the right thing for the league, and myself, at the time. And when it was no longer the right thing, started skating again.

But for that year, I needed to see what I was capable of, outside of skating.

And yah, I took it too far and burned myself out completely, gained a bunch of weight, became a crabby person from lack of exercise in my life, and had to reevaluate.

But... sometimes you can't really know what your perfect balance looks like, till you've run to each end of extremes first.

Also, for the purpose of relating with so many other people over the years, I'm glad I got to see how humbling a come-back to skating can be.

But that's another story!

I hope you have the raddest of days today!

I literally never high five anyone, but for some reason think this is rad. : D

Here's my parting gifts, till we meet again!

When Your Addictions Have Addictions...

2011-01-27T23:44:00.000-08:00

No one needs me to start this with the obvious statement that roller derby is addictive.

Roller skating alone is so fun!

Add in the competition, the strategies, the endless possibilities and challenges that come with learning a new sport...

But... There's ALSO the whole business end of things... which has it's own odd allure that doesn't get talked about as much.

So I'm gonna talk about it.

When I started my league, I pretty much knew nothing about nothing.

I mean, I'd gathered a pretty good amount of life experience, for a 24 year old, but nothing to prepare me for what running a league was like.

So there I was, learning on the job.

I quickly found that reaching a milestone or accomplishment came with a... buzz of some kind.

Like, an adrenaline rush.

It was like an instant kick of self esteem and excitement.

Simple as it sounds now, I remember when the first merch order was shipped to my house. I looked at all these shirts and thought....

Holy shit, Bonnie... You can do stuff! You can get stuff done!!!

And that feeling becomes addictive, doesn't it? The whole capability thing.

Because once you find out you're capable, you wanna see what all you're capable of! And you wanna have more of that special feeling, and you want it more all the time.

And next thing you know, you're so addicted to successes, there's no stopping to celebrate one or another. In fact, if you're not careful...

Successes and milestones can actually stop being a rush of excitement after a while, and turn into more of a constant, panicked state of mind.

And then it's possible to become completely enamored with your own capability, forgetting other people carry the same potential.

Now, don't get me wrong.

I'm personally OBSESSED with human potential. I wanna know exactly what the best version of me looks like, and make her happen.

Nothing wrong with ambition.

But... there comes a point where you can get a little unhealthy with it if you're not careful.

And that's pretty much what I did. So I'll tell you my cautionary tale.

Well, next time I will. : )

For now I bid you adieu. Have a super radical day today!

Here's my parting gifts!